


The network

by socialcase



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Homophobic Language, M/M, Possible Character Death, Refugees
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:02:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22420744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/socialcase/pseuds/socialcase
Summary: In their twenties, Robbe and Sander have turned the ghost of the past into something very supportive. They're both fine with their professional life.Robbe is professional engaged in the LGBTQ+ network of Belgium, helping other LGBTQ+ youth. This time he need to gather all his strength and his network of friends to rescue some LGBTQ+ refugees from a horrible destiny.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans, Zoë Loockx/Senne De Smedt
Kudos: 14





	1. Soufian and Youssef

The 16 year old Robbe would have never believed him, but hey, all the signs were there. He liked people, not always as company, but surely people. His friends trusted him with their deepest secrets, while he would patiently listen. He would always like to help people, the list was long. His ego wasn’t huge and he could put himself on the background if necessary. He could read people, and since he became honest with himself, he got better and better at reading others. So when Robbe went off to the university, he decided that he would become a psychologist and anyone who knew Robbe, shouldn’t have to be explained he went for it 110%. And so Robbe became intrigued in certain parts of the big universe, psychology was. He made his masterproof on trauma and refugees. At the age of 26 he became a junior authority on that field. 

Robbe worked for “çavaria” the confederation that held all the organisations involving the LGBTQ+ community whom defended their rights in Belgium. Within “çavaria” Robbe worked for the branch whose goal it was to keep LGBTQ+ refugees safe, by setting up a underground network in different countries. He volunteered at the lumi chat, and once every week he had an evening session at “Het Roze Huis” in Antwerp, where he would talk to LGBTQ+ victims of hate crimes, as a professional, but also as someone who had lived the same experience. Sometimes Robbe felt like father Damian, the Flemish priest who sailed of to Molokai, to help the lepers, writing in his journal, that he really understood the lepers, by catching the disease and becoming one of them. Robbe had turned a bad experience into a helping one, and although he never could except violence as a form of solving things, he was sure that being at the wrong place, at the wrong time has helped him understand the victims better. He struggled with the cruelty of faith. Did the universe make him suffer to become a better person? Did it need to do that? Like, could Nelson Mandela became the great man he was, without spending all this years in prison? Do we need evil, to bring out the good? Robbe didn’t know that, but he was sure, he would always trying to be at the good side of history, if there was something like that.

He had a though senior year in college. Mister perfect would do things perfectly, like always, good, wasn’t good enough, so he aimed too high and if you aim high, you can fall low. And there were a few months where he had been at his lowest after the break up. His dad, his mom, the pressure of excelating, the lows of Sander, it became too much, and so he did by fare, the stupidest thing he had ever done. He broke up with Sander. The words suffocating, space, came from his mouth. So, although he knew deep in his heart, this wasn’t what he really wanted, he did it anyway, hurting Sander and ending up feeling miserably and having occasional sex with some hot dudes, mostly second or third years on the uni. Sander couldn’t cope, but luckily for Robbe, the universe decided, that things weren’t finished between them. So it gave their love a second miracle and they end up back together like it was supposed to be. Robbe would love to erase that period of his life, but it did happen. He graduated and their love became more grown up, more chosen, deeper, something Robbe thought was impossible, but then again, Sander was always and always will be a surprise. A precious gift.

Sander still was a remarkable artist, he, together with some of his friends from the art academy, had hired a gallery where they exposed their work. Although he and his friends created good decent art, and sometimes a masterpiece, being in their twenties didn’t by them enough fame to life on, in a little country like Belgium. The gallery wasn’t exactly a pile of gold, neither a total failure. They managed to pay the rent each month and keep some money aside. But, it wasn’t enough to build a life on. So Sander took his creativity and became a graphic designer for the advertisement business. Sander gave it a deep thought how principle and pragmatism could machted. So he became active in that branch of the advertisement industry that supported the NGO’s, like greenpeace, oxfam, human right watch, amnesty international and many more… . At this particularly moment he was designing a catchy poster for “Het Roze Huis”, in his spare time. 

He loved Robbe, although he did hurt him a lot, he still was the one, and his angelic boy turned out to be human, with his flaws, and he loved the whole of him. He loved his passion and work ethic, his devotion to others. So Sander decided to become a active volunteer at “Het Roze Huis”. Beside the volunteer work Robbe did at the chat, and his sessions with victims of hate crimes, they created together a self support group for those victims. Once a month, Sander and Robbe would gather other male or female individuals to talk about the effects it had on them being at the wrong place at the wrong time, doing nothing wrong, just being who they were. Never, ever would ‘ve Sander guessed that he and Robbe could be a healing force to others as a couple, but then again, he still couldn’t believe that Robbe chose him for a second time. 

“Nice work” Robbe commented on het colours he saw in the poster Sander was colouring. 

“you really combined the purple, blue and pink in a clear and subtle way, I love my creative genius. “ Robbe said with a big grin on his face. 

“Yeah, I would love to do Jens pride” Sander answered, “So hopefully he likes my work for the 23 of september”, Sander grinned. “

“Well you know Jens, art isn’t his greatest passion, but I’m sure he loves the message.”

“Time to call Youssef” Robbe said. “I’ll hope the connection keeps up this time.” 

Youssef was a young bi man from Saudi Arabia. He was almost a physician, who would come to Belgium to do an internship at the “UZA”, the hospital attached to the university of Antwerp. Robbe knew him for three years now, being part of the international underground network of LGBTQ+. Youssef considered himself lucky, he was from a high class, somewhere in his bloodline was royalty from the house of Saud, descending from king Ibn Saud himself. That gave him some privilege, others could not afford. In the security of his family home, he could live freely and act on the gay stuff as much as he wanted, his lover was grateful, to have him in his life. Soufian was his name, and he was twenty and very artistic type, he studied Arabic language and literature at the King Saud University of Ryad, combined with a minor on English literature, he wrote poetry and could sing, he had a heavenly voice, Youssef fell in love with that voice, before he ever saw him. 

  
  
  


And so a handsome man appeared on the screen of Robbe’s laptop. He had pitch black curly hair, the sort that every women would spent hours at the hairdressers trying to copy, only failing to succeed. Two deep black pupils were staring into the screen, they looked like the doe-eyed eyes of Robbe, except these where deeper, much intenser, a little darker. He had a cheekbone that could cut you, if you weren’t careful, but that was a little bit hidden by a nice very stylish beard. The man could easily past for a model, but that wasn’t a career move he could consider, knowing his family. They were more liberal than others, but some things, were not open for discussion and a decent job was one of them. 

  
  


“Hello Robbe, it has been to long”, said the man on the screen with a warm calm voice. He would certainly be a great physician. He was smart enough and he made people feel at ease. He had a certain ability to talk clearly and calmly at the same time. 

“Love to see you” Robbe replied. “How are things over there?”

“I can’t complain” Youssef said. “Next week I’m in your country, I can’t wait to finally meet you in person, and Sander also of course. “

“Yeah, we all know I’m truly the reason, why you’re coming over here.” Sander replied from 

a distance and with a joyful tone.”

“There seems to be a little problem” Robbe said, “it came to my attention that Sander is taken, so don’t get your hopes up high.”

“Don’t worry” the dark eyed boy smiled “I’ll have my own treasure over here”. “But seriously, I’m a little bit afraid. I’m excited to do the intern in Belgium, on the other hand that means leaving the love of my life behind, and I’m worried, leaving him in the hands of this homophobic bigots.”

“Yeah, I can relate to that”, Robbe said. Leaving Sander wasn’t always that easy, "but in your case… . I know it is risky over there, nevertheless you’ve one avantaged, you’ve got a supportive network, much more than some other folks in your country. It’s much more guaranteed to keep him save.”

“I know, I know, however, I won’t be there to save him if the needs get high. I won’t cope, if I couldn’t save him … .”

“ Save who? “ A gentle soft voice asked in the background. 

“I don’t need to be saved”, the young man continued with a lingering voice. Soufian didn’t speak, he sang, even when he was speaking. It was enchanting, like a sorcerer who casts his spell. 

“Hi Soufian, nice to hear you” Robbe said. 

  
  


“Hi Robbe” Soufian answered “I missed your lovely soul, it’s been to long”. 

Robbe blushed. He loved Sander, truly, deeply, madly, still he could recognize beauty in his purest form and that was Soufian. The same pitch black hair as Youssef except without the curls. Sanders eyes, staring at him except Soufians eyes were light greyish blue. A smooth face with soft skin and a toothpaste smile, made the young man radiant.  _ “If he and sander would ever had a treesome then…” _ , Robbe skiped the thought, this was serious business. 

“Hi Soufian how are you feeling?” Robbe asked.

“More creative than ever.” The young man replied. “I wrote a new poem, would you like to hear it?”

“Me like” Sander enthusiastically expressed his opinion. The artist in him recognized the artist in Soufian.

“I’m curious too”, Youssef smiled next to Soufian. “It’s always a pleasure to hear the creations of my little genius.”

“Soufian would you like to share your work with us?” Robbe asked.

“It will be my pleasure” the youngest of them all said. “I’ll named it ‘May I’ ”, he almost whispered. And so Soufian proceeded to declaim his poem, like a slow incantation:

  
  
  


May I?

  
  


May I be me?

May I be really me?

May I be me everywhere?

May I be that without despair?

Can I be me?

Can I love someone?

Can I love a man?

Can I like a woman?

Can and may I love him?

Even, if I hurt someone with it?

Even, if I hurt myself?

Even, if I hurt my faith?

Is love stronger than everything else?

Is love the ultimate bet ?

Is love the art of acceptance?

Is love, love, or am I mad?

Can I?

May I?

Even if?

Is love?

And if it’ s not, will it be my death? 

They were all silent. Tears were rolling from Youssef’s eyes and Sander had crawled into Robbe arms, who was softly caressing the bleach-blonded hair of his lover.

“That was so touching” Robbe spoke.

“That’s a masterpiece” Sander exclaimed.

“Honey I, …”, the voice of Youssef was stuck in his throat, he swallowed and continued “I can’t tell you how much this touched me. It makes me happy and said at the same time. It’s so beautiful, Youssef, but what if someone finds it, … .” 

“Don’t worry my prince, I’ll keep it save in my wallet. I only wrote it on this paper. Not on the computer or so.” Soufian silky soft reassured his boyfriend. 

“I know you’re careful, yet I don’t want to leave you behind”. Youssef said with a sad voice, hands trembling.

“We had this discussion before. Go chase your dream, do it babe, that is our future. I hate the fact that you’re leaving , but I’ll be fine, with your family’s protection.” 

“if only I could take you with me … .” Youssef whined. 

“My love, I love to go with you somewhere out of this breathsucking country, but I need to stay, finish my studies and taking care of my family.” The beautifull young boy softly said. 

“The network will keep an eye on him. “Robbe spoke. 

“And we ‘ll keep an eye on Youssef. “ Sander reassured Soufian.

The Arabic boys, smiled, they were lucky to have those two as a friend. 

“Keep low profile, don’t rush into things and everything will turn out okay”. Robbe said to Soufian. “We’ll be embracing Youssef with open arms. “

“ Of course” Soufian spoke in his own way. “We are so lucky to call you our friends.” 

“Next week, I’ll be picking up Youssef at Brussels international airport.” Robbe calmly said.

“I can’t thank you enough” Youssef said with his warm deep voice. “I’m looking forward to hug you both”. 

“That hug will be one from the both of us” Soufian completed.

“See you soon” Youssef said “We’ll have to go”. And so the two boys disappeared from the screen while there were enthusiastically waving. 

  
  


“Some heavy shit” Sander said to Robbe with concern in his voice.

“Yeah” Robbe answered, “You’re always say that I’m so strong, but that is nothing compared to those two.” 

“Don’t underestimate yourself”, Sander smiled “Nevertheless, you’re right, as always, these boys are so determined, especially my lovely arty protege.”

“O my sweetie, you begin to sound as Milan”, Robbe jokingly teased Sander. “In this case, I’m the one with a plan B, I must confess.” Robbe got more serious. “I’m ninety percent sure everything will work out fine. However, this is Saudi-Arabia and there not playing games. I’m worried, though saying that out loud wouldn’t help them, in fact it would be dangerous.”

“I love what you ‘re doing, such a commitment deserves a reward.”, Sander said with a mischievous smile. “But first I need to finish this.” Robbe gave him a big hug and a kiss on his forehead. “I let my artist create, patiently waiting for my prize.”

  
  
  
  
  



	2. Flashback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robbe works as a volunteer with as a LGBTQ-youth therapist. One certain evening a young man is telling him a very recognazible story that catapulted Robbe back in time. That leads him to reflect on some dramatic events that shaped the begining of the mature relationship between him and Sander.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not satisfied with my English level. So I've tried a different approach. I wrote this chapter in Dutch first and then translated in English. Still not quite satisfied, but there is some improvement.
> 
> In the beginning of this chapter there is some homophobic violence mentioned.
> 
> There is also a suïcidal attempt, though it isn't explicitly described. 
> 
> You don't need to read the previous chapter to enjoy this one. In my mind it was necessary to explain some past details, so you be able to follow the rest of the story.
> 
> I'm combining this with my work, thank you for your patience. I'm a slow writer.
> 
> The text in italic, is the flash back.

A young blond man with curly hair sat before him. You know, the pretty curly typed kind like the hair that Heath Ledger had. Two pairs of dark blue eyes looked at him and even though they seemed a little hazy in the mist the tears formed, they were beautiful. Robbe listened attentively to his story. The young man was beaten up during his second date with his friend, in an alley near the Ossenmarkt. For a moment Robbe's brain short-circuited, when he was catapulted back in time to a fatal night that had begun so beautifully. Robbe suppressed the emotion, he was working now and he had to stay professional.

The young man told me with gruff eyes that he felt guilty, that he was the eldest of the two, that he should have known better, that he could not have protected the love of his life, that….

Robbe nodded and put a hand on his shoulder and said softly. "Nobody expects you to be a superhero, this was not your fault."

The young man looked at him with a painful grimace and asked Robbe: "Why do I feel so guilty? Why can’t I look straight in the eyes of the boy I love so dearly anymore, out of fear that he will start talking about that evening? ”

Robbe swallowed, asked the boy to look into his eyes for a moment and then spoke with his quiet, soft voice:“ Feelings are allowed, that are not right or wrong, they are there. What would you like being changed? "

The young man started talking faster, his voice was more excited, and his gaze became a little fiercer. “That this had never happened, that those stupid jerks hadn’t screwed up my date, but especially that they hadn't hurt the most precious thing in my life. That I could have protected him, that I had knocked them out and that they were now talking to a psychologist and not me. “

Robbe nodded. “I understand the anger (and thought to himself, if you would only know…). "The things you just mentioned are these things that you can change?"

"No, unfortunately," the young fellow sighed.

With his well-known soft voice, Robbe asked, "What things you can change would you like to change?"

The young man glanced up, frowned, took a deep breath and said, "I would like to talk to my friend about this?"

"Okay," said Robbe, "What do you need for this?" Have you ever tried this before? ”

“ No, ”the boy said, embarrassed, lowering his eyes. “My friend has already tried it, but every time I avoid the subject or distract him. I also notice that he is starting to like this less and less. It hurts him too. "

" Would you like to try it? "Robbe said. "I think so," the boy with the blond curls said doubtfully, "but I think I will clam up and the rods get stucked in my mouth."

"Does he know that I am talking to you now?" Robbe asked.

"He knows, but he doesn't know the real reason."

"Okay," Robbe nodded. "Would he perhaps like to come along next time?" Would you dare to ask him? "

The young man got a lump in his throat and said "If I ask him to come along, he will do that, certainly when I say that it is helping me , I don't deserve him, he is far too good for me."

A slight smile appeared around Robbe's mouth: "No man is made to be alone, everyone deserves love, you too".

There was a twinkle in the young man's blue eyes. "Thank you," he said. "I'm definitely going to ask him."

“Okay,”said Robbe, “then I suggest we meet again next week and I'm curious to hear what you will tell me. Is that good for you? ”

The young man stood up and asked if he could give Robbe a hug. He hugged his psychologist with a sincere "thank you" and then left through the door.

Now that the young man had disappeared, there was space in Robbe's head again. A film began to play, a film with Sander in the leading role. Robbe had tried to talk to Sander about what had happened to them. Robbe had instinctively felt that this was necessary to save their relationship, not just their relationship, but also himself. The psychologist in Robbe could now interpret this from a professional point of view and perhaps he had tried this too much, he had completely ignored a well known advice, that you can not be the counselor of yourself or your immediate environment. The more Robbe tried, the more Sander pushed him away, until they got to the point where everything came in a downward spiral. It had been Robbe who had pulled the plug out of their relationship, in a kind of desperate search for peace, peace he hadn’t found.

He hoped from the bottom of his heart that the blond curly hair with the blue eyes would succeed, with or without his help, but by the look of things, probably with his help, to talk it out to his friend. They had also succeeded, hopefully they would too, but preferably without the steps they had taken. And again Robbe's thoughts were drawn to what seemed a distant past and he saw himself running towards Sander for the second time. The film, with Sander in a leading role, started with Robbe who heartbreakingly yelled "WHAT!" dropping his cell phone to the floor, picking it up and started running like crazy ....

_A stab went through Robbe's heart._

_"No, it screamed loudly, no, this can't happen, stupid, stupid bastard, why did you let it come so far?" . Robbe was now quite sure, a world without Sander is a world that would look less vivid and grayer. Perhaps that was a world he would never recover from. "How could he have been so selfish? Why hadn’t he stopped himself? He knew it. The fear of losing Sander made it clear to him that he couldn’ t miss him, in any universe."_

_"In critical condition" the nurse had said on the phone. Sander was in critical condition and whether Robbe could come as quickly as possible. Robbe was still the first contact in Sander's mobile, so the hospital was the first to contact him. What if he came too late, but Robbe suppressed that thought, while tears ran down his cheeks, he hurried to the hospital. This was very different from the previous times, then there was relief, he knew at that occasion exactly what he would say and despite that there was the certain realization that it would all be alright. Now he knew nothing, there was pure panic, and he didn't even know if he would come on time. He knew one thing for sure, he wanted to be with Sander now, not later, not within a few minutes or seconds, now and his legs did everything to make this desire come true._

_The bicycle still turned out to be the fastest way to reach the hospital, so Robbe ran to the bicycle parking facilities of Antwerp Central, loosened his bike and ran towards the AZ Monica (the general hospital). He might not have been a superhero, but six minutes later he was at the desk of the hospital, where a nurse directed him to the waiting room of the intensive ward. After what seemed like an eternity, but in reality it was only 5 minutes, a young doctor was heading towards Robbe._

_"Mr. Ijzermans?"_

_"Yes," Robbe said to the lady in front of him._

_"Your friend was lucky, he is currently stable, but the next 48 hours are the most important."_

_Robbe did not have the strength to correct the doctor. He listened in a numbed manner to the doctor's explanation. "Are there any important family members we can contact?"_

_"His mom" Robbe replied and gave the name and number to the doctor._

_"We will take care of this, if you wish you can wait here, within an hour we’ll give you an update."_

_Katrijn came rushing into the ward, her eyes fired and she called out to Robbe:_

_"Is he okay?"_

_"The doctor said he is stable and will give us more explanation within half an hour." Robbe turned his eyes away, began to sob and could just mumble a "sorry"._

_To his great surprise, Katrijn put an arm around his shoulder. “It's not your fault Robbe, you tried to be there for him, but pushing away is just one of Sander's specialties. You're so young, I'm sure it will be okay. "_

_" I hope so, "Robbe sobbed as he looked up at the woman who had given birth to Sander. "I'm so afraid of losing him," he paused and added, "forever ...."_

_"We're not that far yet," said Katrijn._

_Although her voice sounded confident, Robbe saw some doubt in her eyes. "Sander is a stubborn go-getter, I am sure of that now," he said with a melancholic grimace on his lips. "I should never have left him," the young man sighed._

_"Robbe," said Sander's mother, "listen carefully to me. I have not seen anyone in Sander's life so far who cared about him as much as you. You have done your utmost. I know my son, I know that he can sometimes be a heavy burden. If you want to continue with him, I hope you’ll solve this together, I know it won't be easy and belief me. Sander can give you a lot, but he also requires a lot and that can be tiring, loving Sander is sometimes exhausting. I know, I've loved him dearly for a long time. "_

_Robbe told Katrijn his piece of the story:" I love Sander to death, I realize that now, but it all became a bit too much for me, my parents ; the studies, his episodes, I needed rest. I could no longer be there for him and I blame myself for that. "_

_“ Talk it out Robbe, talk about the pushing away dynamics, don’t avoid it. I‘m sure you know what you can do.” Sander's mom said, holding Robbe's hand. "He needs you more than he wants to admit." At that moment the doctor came by._

_The doctor indicated that Sander had a very good guardian angel, a minute longer, and he certainly had permanent damage or worse from this attempt. Fortunately he had watchful friends .... The doctor told the bewildered audience what exactly had happened. She also gave some explanation about the further treatment._

_“The first signs look good, we see that his body is recovering. To keep the recovery in all tranquility, we will keep him in an artificial coma for the first 24 hours, the day after tomorrow we will have him awaken ... "_

_Robbe agreed with Katrijn that he stayed by Sanders side now, she would return for the day and he came to relieve her after school. Because the doctors believed that physical contact could be healing, they placed a bed next to Sander's and Robbe was able to hold the hand of his great love while lying down. He would certainly have kissed it, were it not for the fact that the hygiene regulations expressly prohibited this._

_As Robbe gently stroked Sander's hand, he began to speak to him in a sobbing voice: “I behaved like a fool Sander. I broke my promise to you, you who were always there for me, you the living reincarnation of Cupid on this earth, you who made me a better man, you who let me be myself. And what do I do? Sir "not in this universe, here I will stay with you." When it got tough, I left you. Sander, that was by far the biggest mistake in my entire life. How could I leave someone who loved me so much? I wish I could turn back the clock, but unfortunately no one can. Sander can you ever forgive me? Can you ever trust me? I want you to know I'm never going to leave you again if you want to try again? I will always be there for you. My dear Sander, even if you don't want me anymore, please fight, fight to be back here, the world without Sander is a world much grayer, grayer and duller, I don't know if I can handle such a world . If you ever have to go, not right now and not in this way. Sander, I'm begging you, fight. I'd give anything if you could get through this"_

_Tears ran down his cheeks. "Sander I did stupid things, but nobody made me feel the way you did. You touched me and I had never felt anything like it. Damn Sander, you're not toxic, on the contrary, you're healing, I've missed your healing touches, I've started to fall apart, the moment they fell away. Sander if you can, will you trust me again? But first come back to me baby, I want to drown in your eyes. I love you, only you;"_

_Robbe fell asleep exhausted, the next morning, he was awakened by the alarm on his phone. Robbe freshened up and, having had a brief conversation with Katrijn about last night, rushed to university, today he had an important appointment with his supervisor about his master's thesis, which he in any case couldn’t miss. At the same time, he sent an app to Jens, with apologies, that he had let him down yesterday and that he would explain more about it later and that it had something to do with Sander. That same evening, Robbe sat next to Sander's bed._

_As he gently stroked his hand again, he told him how it had been in recent months. He confessed to Sander that he had sex with other boys, to forget him, but that the plan had clearly not worked. Each time, the loss grew even more, because although Robbe enjoyed the sex, after all he was still a young guy with needs, none of those new partners came close to what Sander could do to his body. Sex without love was sex, nothing more or less and certainly not a substitute for what Robbe had had with Sander. Robbe lovingly listed everything he had missed about Sander: First, the passionate way Sander drew him and his surroundings, the way he looked at things in his world as an artist. The lightheartedly funny way he teased someone, the headstrong way he said a well-meant fuck you to some values. The deep warmth of his voice, the penetrating gaze of his eyes, the way he expressed his love for croques and Bowie. The irresistible smile he occasionally showed,…. The list was very long and after Robbe had told some things with melancholy, others with enthusiasm, he felt a weight was lifted from his shoulders. After a long time, his heart was open again and tired but somewhat relieved, Robbe was able to sleep that night._

_The doctors announced that they would take Sander out of his coma the next morning. Katrijn and Robbe had discussed things together and thought that for Sanders sake, it would be better to let him wake up quietly, which is why Katrijn was sitting next to Sander's bed. He had been awake before, but had closed his eyes after a few minutes to fall asleep again, not fully aware of what was going on around him. Katrijn had heard a murmur that sounded like:_

_"Am I still alive?"_

_To which she answered softly "yes, I am here with you"._

_Sander had turned his head for a moment, then dozed off again._

_In the late afternoon he woke up again, now more aware of things. "Mama am I really still alive?"_

_"Yes" Katrijn replied "Luckely."_

_Sander turned his head towards his mother and started to speak very slowly. "I must have been in heaven, Mama. I ‘ve been death, there is no other way. Everything was fine, I felt Robbe, mama, Robbe was with me, he touched me like only he can. He said he regretted things, wishing he could turn back the time, that I was healing him, that he only loved me. I felt so good, he told what he had missed and mama, it sounded like music to my ears and I felt so tranquil and so peaceful. It seemed so real, if that is heaven then I want to be there right now. ”_

_"Maybe that's a bit drastic," said a soft voice._

_Sander turned and looked into the deer-brown eyes of his great love. "Robbe?" Sander said. "Is it really you?" "Am I not dreaming?" ._

_Robbe came closer, kissing Sander on the forehead and said, "Would a Robbe in your dream do this?" ._

_"Uh yes, Sander said, but you really are here. Does this mean? My God Robbe, was it all real? ”_

_"Was what all real?" Asked the young man with the brown curls._

_"The regrets, the confessions, that you loved me, that you've missed me. Everything I have dreamed? ”_

_"It wasn’t a dream baby." Robbe said as his voice broke and tears rolled out of his eyes. He didn’t dare to look at Sander again. “I have been so stupid and I am so very sorry. How can I ever make it up to you? I almost lost you, all because I had to be the egoist. Only because… ._

_"Ssssst” Sander said, “Robbe please stop, look at me.” Robbe looked into two green misty eyes from which tears rolled. “I’ ve missed you so much. I have been able to think for a long time, I’ ve also made mistakes. I want you back,100%. These are tears of happiness because you are here.”_

_Robbe hugged his man and tears flowed down. Both men looked each other in the eye and threw each other the warmest smile they could give. Robbe sat on the bed next to Sander._

_Katrijn smiled from the chair and said: "I'm going to give you some space, they have a lovely café Latte in the hospital cafeteria."_

_Sander looked a bit uncertain at Robbe: "Can I ask you something?"_

_"Of course Sander, anything you want"._

_“Robbe I have been able to think for a long time and I know that I ‘m not the strongest in expressing my real emotions, but I think you were right. I always thought we were a strong couple and we are, don't get me wrong, but we've been through so much, I think we should talk to a professional. ”_

_Robbe smiled, sighed and said, "My darling, I think you are 100% right. I didn't want to bring it up, because I didn't want to put too much pressure, but I also think we need help. You are incredibly strong Sander, you can have a lot, but every person has their limits and I think we have reached ours and as you said, we are a strong couple, that's why I always wanted to do this, I don't want this to break. It is too dear to me. We are so precious and you Sander, you are irreplaceable. We two together in every universe. I will never, but never leave you behind, I'd rather drop death. ”_

_"Maybe too drastic?" Sander said and then he said: "I still don't know why I deserved an angel like you, Robbe IJzermans, one thing I know for sure I'll never let you go."_

As Robbe cycled home, he thought with a smile at the sessions he and Sander had with the therapist. The way in which both had thrown themselves into this new start and how they had matured as a couple. He was quite proud of his manager, 5 stars on booking for the way he approached therapy. Together they were stronger than ever and they could also use this to help others. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> contructive criticism is appreciated.
> 
> Kuddos are welcome, and I read every comment.
> 
> There will be other chapters, but it will take some time.

**Author's Note:**

> I had to explore this idea of Robbe and Sander bending their trauma into something helpfull. I'll hope this will be a exciting story, wich will touch some difficult themes. 
> 
> For the story's sake I had to create two new characters, they're completely my imagination. If they ressemble any real life people, I do apologize, that wasn't my purpose.
> 
> In this part I've translated a poem, I've written in Dutch into English. Wich means that it isn't exactly the same. I've tried to save the feeling of the poem, in order to do that, I had to change some words and sentences. I'm not a native speaker, I've mannaged to save certain things, but the original was much stronger. 
> 
> You can comment, if you like, this will probably be a story with many chapters, and it will take me a lot of time to write them.


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